Down by the sea...

I’m away at the minute, looking after my friend Celia’s flat while she’s in Spain, and as I didn’t bring my laptop I’ve had to wait until I could find an Internet Café. This last week has been really hard. I have too much time on my hands to think, I’m bored, I’m lost and I don’t know what to now. I can’t keep staying with friends, I know that; it’s not realistic. I need my own space, and god knows they do; but I need to be independent again and be responsible for myself. Four or five days is about all I can manage in someone else’s place, before I start feeling ‘in the way’ and noticing that the sofa’s not bug enough for 3 of us to squeeze on to.

It’s very scary though. I don’t know where to go to, what to do, who to be. My moods swing from feeling excited and optimistic about the future, and proud of myself for making this change, to feeling so scared at being alone, and feeling useless. No job, no money, no home, no career, and no man. Although I don’t mind that last one. Jeeez! What the hell have I been doing with my life?

Don’t think badly of me, but I admit, there have been moments, fleeting moments; when I’ve missed him. Not him, so much, but what I had with him. I don’t mean that I lie awake in bed at night, sobbing into my pillow because I’m so heartbroken; but sometimes something reminds me of a place we went together, or a holiday we took, and for a few seconds there I miss it. Which makes me sound shallow…like it was the lifestyle I loved, not him.

And maybe that’s the truth. We lived a lie together, brought together by a need to belong to someone; totally unsuited to each other but hiding behind the façade of money and wealth. By dumping me, he’s done me a favour. The difference is, I’ve woken up to what was really going on, the people that we both were. He’s just oblivious. He’ll never be able to change.

I’ll be here until Thursday, then I’ll be back at Linny’s. I’m supposed to be thinking about a job, but it’s too relaxing down here by the sea. I sit on the beach, just watching people. Making up stories in my head about who they are and what they’re doing. I love it, but I suppose I’m hiding away here.

I hope your week has been good so far.