Finding my way

It’s been such a strange few days. I feel out-of-sorts and in unfamiliar territory,
as if I’m looking down from above on a life that used to be mine. Which, by the way, seems to be carrying on quite well without me.

Was my life so wound up around his that I don’t know how to be, who I am, without him?

I mean, it’s not like I miss him, because I don’t. It’s not as if I want to go back to him, I don’t. It’s that I don’t recognise myself now that I’m alone. I'm staring at my unfamiliar face in the mirror. Was I really so defined by being his girlfriend? Did I see that as being my sole role in life?

I feel like the girl who sneaked out of the party for a minute to have a quick cigarette behind the shed and ended up having a lucky escape when the house blew up. I’m realising that, after all these years, I’ve suddenly got what I never had which is my independence, and I don’t know what to do with it.

Was it love? Maybe not. Maybe it was more of a ‘caring/ sharing’ thing. I needed somewhere to belong, he needed someone to be with and for a while, we fulfilled each other needs. As much as I used to joke around about ‘waiting for his proposal’, deep down I probably knew it wouldn’t last; that it was just masks that we put on, a game we played while waiting for the sandman to run out.

And maybe that’s ok. No-one got hurt. We helped each other out, we filled voids in each others life. There were times I had a lot of fun with him, and others when I turned a blind eye to some of his more questionable habits.

But maybe it’s not okay. I’m worth more than that. Why did I settle for second best?

I don’t know why. I believe that everything that happens -good and bad- serves a purpose; that every experience that we go through has something to offer us and can be learnt from, but it’s our job and responsibility to find it and make use of that knowledge.

If I’ve learnt anything from being with him, it’s that I don’t want to be dependant on someone like that again. I want to be able to hold my head up high and say “I’m making this decision, I’m taking responsibility and I’m taking care of myself.” And I will- I will do that, just as soon as I have figured out what to do next.

I’m not his girlfriend anymore, I’m not his lover; I’m me- just me. This is the first time ever, in my life, that I have really been on my own.

Does that sound sad? Now that I’m thinking about it, I think it does make me a little sad.......sad that I’ve always been so dependant on someone, that I’ve always been happy to drift along and let them make the plans and the decisions. I’m supposed to be the Master of My Destiny, but I certainly didn’t see myself that way. I’m not blaming him though- he treated me that way because I allowed him to. I know that.

Whilst it does make me sad to see myself that way, I have moments too of exhilaration; like a new door has opened and a whole world is out there waiting for me.

I just have to decide what to do with it.